


I know you like the back of my hand

by sharkinterviewee



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, High School, Jamy, Kissing, Lots of Crying, Making Out, Making Up, Peraltiago, Romance, Sobbing, Teenagers, Tutoring, You're Welcome, abandonement issues, amy cries, get together au, happy sad, i promise they'll be kissing by like the 3rd chapter, jake cries, jake's bad with emotions, like totally full out sobbing, make out sessions coming soon, patience is a virtue, sweet sweet comfort, tutors and tutorees to lovers really, waiiiiiiitttttttttt for it, you didn't know you needed that, you need these two comforting each other, you need this in your life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-05-07 12:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5456012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkinterviewee/pseuds/sharkinterviewee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school AU<br/>When Jake Peralta was forced into tutoring with straight-A Amy Santiago, he didn't think anything was going to come of it. He didn't expect for his grades to improve, and he //never// expected for them to become anywhere close to friends. But when his grades actually do improve and he starts doing well he realizes that if he continues getting good grades that means he won't have tutoring anymore, meaning he wouldn't have Amy anymore.<br/>He wasn't left with any choice but to sabotage his progress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet with disaster

When Amy Santiago started tutoring Jake Peralta at the beginning of the year he didn't think anything was going to change. All he had to do was attend all of the sessions and he wouldn't get detention, so he thought he was just going to screw off like he had every year and with every tutor he'd been assigned before. But apparently she was chosen as his last ditch effort because it was already junior year and whoever was in charge of making sure kids graduated all right put him on academic probation with future valedictorian Amy Santiago.

All he planned to do was screw off, not actually do any work. But it didn't take long for Jake to realize that he liked her smile better than her scowl.

Once he started paying attention and listening to her when she'd go over whatever subject she was focusing on that day it wasn't hard at all to remember what he learned and how to do stuff by himself.

Amy looked so pleased the first day he actually asked an active question. It had something to do with how to solve a problem in Algebra II and he already had the correct and easy way to solve it down, but he asked her if taking a shortcut with certain steps would work. He maintained that he only wanted to do it quicker, but she said it showed initiative and that he was actually thinking about it.

And she said yes, that his shortcut would work.

When he started coming to tutoring with most of his homework for that day completed, he always said that he was bored and did it at the end of class instead of just sitting around like he used to. But that was a lie.

He actually did do homework while he was in class, but he didn't always get the same amount of free time for every class every day, so he would just head to the next class straightaway instead of lollygagging and use the few minutes of passing period to work on what he had left, and then he'd use whatever free time he got in whichever class to complete it. He had all the core subjects early in the day, so when he'd get ¾ of the way done on Algebra II homework he'd start on Physics until he got ¾ of the way done on that, and continue on and on so it wouldn't look like he was completing it systematically. And he always made sure to never have any of it _completely_ done because Jake Peralta completing all of his homework really was suspicious.

Why he started doing homework at all was so he could spend a good portion of the time allotted for tutorials just cracking jokes and making Amy laugh.

They had this whole friendly teasing thing going on, and it was good.

He liked tutoring with Amy Santiago. He liked spending time with Amy Santiago.

He liked Amy Santiago.

* * *

"You keep this up and you won't even need me anymore. Really, you never needed me, but you only need two more weeks of all B's and you won't be on academic probation anymore. I bet you never expected to do so well to get out of tutoring, did you?" Amy grinned and patted him on the back like it was some big accomplishment. Like it was something he should be proud of, and happy about.

He hadn't really given how well he was currently doing in school a second thought. He'd been on whatever sort of tutoring program they had at that grade level for years. Since 6th grade. And while he never did so bad that he had to be held back (which mattered more before high school when kids jumped ahead or behind or stayed- he honestly didn't know which math class was supposed to be on level for 11th grade) he had never done well enough to get out of a tutoring program. He's gone from intensive tutoring to just regular tensive tutoring as his grades improved throughout a year, but he'd never done well enough to be like dropped from tutoring. He'd never done well enough to get out of tensive tutoring. So he really hadn't even thought about doing well enough to get out of graduating-next-year intensive tutoring with first choice for valedictorian Amy Santiago.

He really should have thought about it sooner, but he didn't so the shock made it hard to cover up how upset he was to learn that if he kept getting good grades that meant she wasn't going to have any reason to see him anymore.

"What? What are you talking about? Like I don't have to do this stuff with you anymore?" Jake made a quick call to phrase it as an obligation. He _had_ to do stuff with her, not _get_ to do stuff with her. It wasn't a privilege.

"Yup," Amy smiled. "You'll be free from this jail of a library you were sentenced to before I became your warden."

Jake's laugh was loud and empty.

* * *

Of course Jake started sabotaging his grades. What other choice did he have? What other option did he have?

* * *

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he was doing.

He let his grades start slipping. Slipping and sliding. All he had to do was let one class get a 79 and then hopefully the counter would reset.

And maybe he wasn't as stupid as his history of failed classes implied, but he wasn't smart enough to like orchestrate a calculated drop in scores.

So he didn't know how much was too much. And from one week to the next he went from an 82 to a 75 in Algebra II.

He always hated that class. He just didn't turn in his homework and he'd rather be safe than sorry (safe as in dropping his grade too much than sorry for going passed the deadline of two weeks) so he kinda bombed a test and a quiz (to be fair he didn't know that tests were worth more credit than quizzes, though that wouldn't have made a difference if he did).

And as his tutor Amy got weekly updates and was super worried that he was acting all normal from one day until the next and she didn't know something was bothering him and he didn't tell her.

He didn't have an excuse prepared and so when she asked him what was up he said he was stressed. He didn't say about what though.

He didn't know how he thought this was going to work. Cause it wasn't working now. But he didn't know how to fix it.

She didn't smile when she saw him anymore.

He didn't even enjoy spending time with her like he thought he would because he disappointed and worried her, and it wasn't fun anymore.

Amy didn't laugh at his jokes anymore.

* * *

He wanted to make her laugh again. And he wanted to laugh with her.

She was disappointed in him, but he at least got to see her face this way. If he told her the truth then he wouldn't get to see her at all. He wouldn't get to see her frowning and mad at him for brushing her off when she asked him what was wrong.

* * *

He stopped going to tutoring when he couldn't take her frowning anymore. He thought he could, but he just couldn't deal with it in the end. It was easier to not see her face than see it frowning at him all the time. He had to face that he was never going to get back to her smiles.

* * *

Even though Amy was the reason he was sabotaging his good grades, she was also the reason he started getting good grades in the first place. He knew it was childish and immature to be lashing out, but it wasn't exactly as active as sabotage and lashing out sounded like. He just stopped trying. Apathetic and all.

Letting it all fall away and mess up felt good, and a hundred times better than trying to hold it all up. The only one he was hurting was himself. Or his future self.

People always said how important stuff like grades were down the line, and Jake knew they were right, but it still never felt like the reality of the future was applicable to him. It was like when you tried to comprehend insanely large numbers. If you were asked to picture a pile of a trillion pennies and then picture a pile of a quadrillion pennies it wouldn't matter because human brains just couldn't visualize stuff like that. Just two big piles of pennies.

Jake's brain couldn't comprehend the future. He couldn't picture, visualize, or even imagine his own future.

No matter how many futures came and went with Jake the next one up didn't matter, just like the last one hadn't. And the one before that and the one before that. None of them ever mattered.

* * *

Amy started trying to approach him outside of the time they used to spend together. Of course he never went to the library anymore, but she went farther out of her way. When she started heading to his classes during passing period he started to make sure he was _always_ 15 minutes late if not more, and he just walked out of class 15 minutes before the bell rang no matter how many times the teachers threatened him with detention if he didn't sit down. He probably had years worth of detention slips built up by then.

So he'd been avoiding her for a month by that point. He was avoiding a lot of stuff. He stuck around his usual group of friends just enough that it wasn't obvious that he was not at all okay. Even though that was just at school. He stopped messing around and having fun and avoided _everyone_ after hours.

So he'd been doing everything he could to ditch Amy for a solid month when Friday night came around. He was in the middle of lying on his bed and using all of his skillz to sling shot rubber band after rubber band trying to push a little league trophy on the edge of his shelf into falling off when his bedroom door opened with a vengeance.

He thought his mom had left for work almost half an hour ago, so the fact that she was still there surprised him.

Even more surprising than that was the person standing in his doorway was the one and only Amy Santiago.


	2. Make sense of this

"What is with you?" Amy demanded an answer standing from his doorway.

He didn't even know she knew where he lived. She had never been to the house before, and he never told her his address. He supposed that he could have told her the street name over the months they'd been tutoring and just didn't remember, but he was positive that she didn't know enough to pick out his house even if she knew his street name.

But it was obvious that she did since she was standing by his bedroom door looking more than a little pissed, and while he was curious he didn't even bother asking how she found out his address.

He didn't even bother asking what she was doing there, because he already knew. He'd been avoiding her at every possible turn and thought that he was risk-free of Amy encounters off of school property, or the slight probability of public areas. He thought that his home was one place he could let down his guard of dodging her.

While he was caught off guard it didn't take long for him to get back to defensive and form a brushed off response.

"Nothing's with me. Nothing's wrong," he got up so he could at least stand while he was facing her. Until the moment she walked in he was trying to knock a little league trophy off of a shelf on the wall from his bed using only rubber bands. He had a whole rubber band ball that he was removing one by one to sling shot them, but progress was slow. It didn't take sherlock investigative skills to see he had been performing the mindless task for a while now from his lounged position on his bed and the pile of rubber bands on the floor and ones caught like drips of melted candle wax on objects he wasn't aiming at.

He wished he had been actually doing something when she walked in. Like video games or watching a movie- something normal. Not wasting over an hour playing rubber band target practice.

"Why can't you ever just ask for help?"

"I don't need help," he denied with a firm face so she'd get that he wanted to drop the subject.

She had apparently expected his (frankly predictable) reaction and came prepared with evidence to refute his claim. She held up a stack of failed papers that he had red Xs and zeros on every single one, from most if not all of his classes. Eventually on every paper passed out for a grade he answered every single question with 'I don't know' over and over before turning it in. If he just left the answers blank or didn't turn it in they'd hand it back or just not put in a grade assuming he would turn it in late for points off. So he wrote the same thing over and over for every answer so his teachers would know that he wasn't going to do it and they should just accept it.

He was committed to never completing his school work.

She held up the stack spread like they were a poker hand before they slipped from her fingers like 52 pickup.

"If this isn't a cry for help then I don't know what is," she brandished the few papers left in her hand before letting them fall away too.

"You're wasting your time Amy. You should just go. I don't want you here, so just leave."

"You're such a jerk! I don't care what stress you're under! You don't get to sabotage all of my hard work! Go take it out on some other part of your life. Not on the grades that I worked hard for you to get!" Amy ranted, and he got why she was so pissed. He had pretty much made all of her efforts to teach him count for nothing. Her grades and after school credit weren't going to be affected by how much he messed up, but she probably considered Jake as her personal failure.

Just a big waste of time. He always was. Maybe if he hadn't sabotaged it all she wouldn't have been mad- and maybe they could have parted on good terms. Maybe he could have enjoyed the two weeks he was supposed to have. He should have been satisfied with that. Instead of being greedy and dragging it out and making it suck for the both of them that much more.

She was never going to stay in the end, so it was his fault for even trying- like there was ever even a chance of keeping her.

It wasn't like she hated him- at least she didn't a month ago. She probably hated him now.

But when he started messing everything up, she didn't hate him. He was more than an acquaintance but less than a friend to her. Friend-ish, but it wouldn't carry over after tutoring stopped.

It wasn't one of those outside of school, during summer, after graduation sort of relationships. It wasn't one of those before he started messing everything up, so it wasn't like there was any hope afterwards.

It wasn't like they had much in common. They started having fun together, and he'd tell jokes that would make her smile and roll her eyes, but even that wouldn't last long without an obligation. She'd probably try to keep up, but he gave it a few weeks tops before it would just devolve into those awkward half smiles whenever they passed each other in the hallway.

But he messed it all up, so he was going to get glares in the hallway, or even straight up ignored. And there wasn't anything he could do about that.

"You're such an asshole for making all of that worthless and meaningless! I thought we were friends but you cut me out. That's on you. But now you're making all the time we spent together meaningless!" Amy screamed, and all he could think about was that he wished he could do something to take away the look on her face. It shifted from rage to hurt and it was the most gut wrenching thing he had ever seen. "All the times you made me laugh and all the times I was happy and you're making them worthless! So just go fuck off and ruin some other part of your life, and stop ruining my memories!"

Tears were streaming down her face with her fists clenched and arms extended tense straight down. It all happened so fast. She went from just yelling to yelling and crying in the blink of an eye. Full out crying in the blink of an eye. And he didn't know what to do. Jake was never good at thinking on his feet, or under high pressure situations. Looking at Amy like that he could barely breathe, much less react. He froze.

Suddenly she bolted and Jake called out and ran after her but he didn't even have a hope of getting her to wait. He couldn't even stop her before she was out the door, already shut because he was so far behind her- couldn't even catch it before it closed. He ripped it open and yelled her name as he ran into the middle of the street and whipped his head back and forth trying to spot which way down his street she had run. But it was useless trying to find her, by that time she had long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS. It gets a hecka lot better in CH 3, so hold out hope until then.
> 
> Alright, my brother's looked into helping me with my dang old laptop and he said he needs to get some/a part so I'm hoping that will be done sometime soon. So I'm not gonna update Camera Obscura for at least a week since I've got it all laid out. Marco Polo, the Boy Next Door, and Finally I've been working on and I'll get updates for new chapters as soon as I'm finished with them. I kinda jump around from whatever fic I've been working on that day, so I don't have an exact time frame since I might just work on whatever I feel like and switch back and forth.  
> I'm actually going on vacation weirdly enough. I knew I was leaving for a couple of days starting the Sunday before Christmas, but I didn't realize until someone pointed it out to me the other day that it was here so quick. Like normally I would be counting down the days until Christmas, but I didn't even realize the current date.  
> Is this what being an adult is? Not counting down the days until presents and surprises?  
> Anyways, while I'll have 3G stuff on my phone I won't have wifi in my hotel, so I'm not sure if I'm even gonna bring my laptop, so that means I won't be updating stuff likely for a few days, probs just chatting and stuff- like reviews on here or if you hit me up on tumblr.
> 
> Have a great winter/summer break if you get one, happy holidays, or just a really really great day tomorrow.


	3. Listen to reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bring on the comfort!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A real tearjerker, so be forewarned. But a heartwarming, comforting tearjerker.

 

Jake went back inside and wished he could slam the door twice because using all of his force to slam it once (no matter how loud it was) wasn't satisfying enough. Everything was fucked up. He fucked it all up. He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes to relieve some pressure but it didn't help at all.

"Fuck!" He yelled and gave a solid attempt to kick a hole in the wall. The pain that radiated up his leg only made him want to scream more. Instead of screaming more which would have damaged less property, there were two glass cups on the dining room table that he dashed to the ground. Even the shattered glass did little to help. If only it made him feel worse.

But he heard a strange sound that gave him pause. A sound that made everything leave him. What he heard sounded suspiciously close to a sob. He paused, everything left him, and he stopped breathing.

With the absence of his breath he heard another muffled something, but it couldn't be what he thought it was. He made soft steps toward where the noise was coming from near his kitchen. Jake turned the corner behind the wall and she was sagged with her back against it, biting her hand hard in an attempt not to make another sound with the steady tears still streaming down her face.

"Ames?"

With that her sobs grew to be too much and weren't even hindered by her knuckles.

Jake carefully wrapped his arms around her and she clung to him like a lifeline. When he was the one who made her cry. When he was the one who hurt her.

Amy was just sobbing into his shirt and he wasn't left with anything to do but brush her hair over and over. And he'd do anything to make it up to her. All he wanted to do was apologize, but he didn't think he had earned the right to even be considered for her forgiveness.

"I ran the wrong way," she laughed and it broke into shuddering heaves. "I forgot where your front door was."

He didn't even last a minute until he couldn't hold back anymore and he didn't deserve her forgiveness but he was desperate for it. Desperate for her to at least know that he regretted everything he did to make her cry.

"I'm so, so sorry, Amy. I'm so sorry." Jake pressed a kiss into her forehead that wasn't platonic at all, but it was so much more than anything they had ever had before. "I was happy too. The memories. It's been so awful lately and I… I really missed you, Amy. I really miss you," He said with a tight throat.

"Then why are you running away from me?"

It was a valid question. One that he wished he had an answer for. One that she deserved an answer to. If he had an answer he would give it to her in a heartbeat. He would rip the heart from his chest if that was even a little bit of the answer. But it wasn't. He didn't even have an answer for himself. He didn't even want an answer for himself. He wanted an answer for her.

"Because that's what I do. I run away from things and I ruin them. I take really, really good things and ruin them. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for ruining making you laugh," his bottom lip trembled as he tried really hard not to cry. He didn't want to cry. All he wanted to do was hold her until she stopped shaking.

Then he realized that Amy wasn't moving at all. It was him. Jake was the one who was shaking. It was at that realization that he dropped everything and admitted the truth: he really wanted to cry.

"I'm sorry," he whispered before the first sob escaped him. And nothing came after that but more sobs. He didn't even try to stop himself. Because he didn't have to sabotage anything else. He didn't have to sabotage this.

Somehow they ended up on the floor. Not really somehow. They just sunk down because Jake wanted to collapse but he was still quaking so bad that he wouldn't be able to make it a step if he tried. They were still wrapped up in each other, but Amy stopped crying on the floor long before Jake did.

He crumpled into her with his shoulders curled over towards her chest as he cried so hard his lungs felt sore.

While she was holding him as he was wracked with sobs, Amy pressed her lips into his hair and it felt right.

* * *

Long after he stopped she held him in silence. He was just slumped against her with his head resting on her shoulder, and while his breathing wasn't so erratic it was still heavy and tired. Amy cradled his head, one hand on his back to keep him upright and supported into her while the other was stroking the hairs on the back of his neck.

Her lips were still pressed in a soft kiss on top of his head, breaking contact for a few seconds to shift the placement of her kiss along his hairline, back and forth.

"Jake, what happened?" She asked softly god knows how long after they had been sitting there.

"I didn't want to lose you," he didn't even try to hold back, just tired admittance and letting down every wall.

"I don't mean why you stopped talking to me. What went wrong before that?" Her voice was still soft and soothing, circular and constant comfort.

"It seems stupid in retrospect, but it was all I could think about at the time," Jake huffed a dry laugh that probably would have led to more crying if it was physically possible for him to cry anymore in the next 24 hours. "You said I only had two weeks of good grades left until I'd be off of academic probation. And it really would have worked if I just got one 79, but you started getting all worried and I felt even shittier and it all snowballed."

"All of this was because you wanted me to keep tutoring you? Why didn't you just ask?" Her voice was gentle as she put everything together. Amy always was a quick thinker, so piecing together the timeline of him fucking everything up and his words just now wasn't a hard solve for her.

"I don't care about the tutoring. I care about you. I only see you during tutoring, and I wanted to keep you. If I wasn't on probation you'd have no reason to stay. So I had to give you a reason to stay."

He was calm in her hazy grace and able to say things he long should have told her since.

He was never able to say serious stuff. He had never even been able to tell her he liked her as a person (when in reality he liked her much more than that). Before he messed up if he was asked if she was his friend he would have made a joke that equated to a no. Because he couldn't deal with meaningful stuff like this.

But here he was, telling Amy he _cared_ about her. He might as well have just said he was in love with her and left it at that. Quick and easy to get all the emotional stuff over and done with.

And while it wouldn't have been a lie, it would have been more like a half truth. Not the whole truth.

If he said it that way it would have been an excuse, or a cop out, not a reason for why he was such an asshole.

'Hey, Jake, why've you been messing everything up beyond repair lately?'

'Because I love you'

or 'because you mean a lot to me and I'm emotionally unstable and so frickin scared of losing you and it's impossible for me to react appropriately because I have major abandonment issues'.

And he was afraid of saying he loved her because he was still scared of losing her. If he said that and it made her leave…

So he went with the caring, because it was the most truthful thing he could handle at the moment.

While she contemplated his words in silent thought she never stopped her movement and never took away her touch. Her fingers kept up their repetitive strokes on his neck and Amy wrapped around him was just the pressure he needed.

Soft but reassuring. It was like his whole life he was always about to burst at the seams but now he finally had something to hold him in. Like everything about him was always pushing out and finally someone was pushing back. Something was always trying to escape from him- one of the first tests he got an A (A minus still counts as an A) after he started getting serious about studying and paying attention to her tutoring was in physics on atmospheric pressure and vacuums and stuff. Like decompression sickness with divers and space suits with astronauts- you needed just the right amount of pressure pushing back into you. Too little, too much, too quick of a change- none of that was good. Something about himself was always trying to push out, but now he was equalized.

He had been searching for Amy's pressure his whole life.

"Why would you think you had to give me one?"

"Amy, people don't stay with me without a reason. Even people who do have reasons leave. And I really didn't want to lose you so I needed to give you a reason to stay."

Amy kissed across his forehead from temple to temple and he didn't have words. Nothing described the feeling he had.

He had wanted to be touched by Amy for ages, just to feel her skin and warmth. He wanted to be close to her.

Even when he was seeing her every day for tutoring the most he ever got was hand brushes or pats on the back. He would have been satisfied to just get to hold her dumb hand without getting freaked and pulling away. Being able to touch her hand without doing any of that stupid Jake Peralta nothing-means-no-one-to-me stuff like a high five or a fist bump, or her just as ridiculous hand shakes. Instead of punching her in the arm to downgrade the seriousness because he was afraid to ever let her know just how much she mattered to him. Just how much Amy Santiago was _not_ nothing to him. But he couldn't even hold her dumb hand because he ran away from things and ruined them.

Sitting there in what seemed more accurately described as an embrace than a hug was high up on his list too.

But her lips were something else.

He'd always pictured that if he was ever this close to her they would be making out or something. Especially if they were ever this close involving anything to do with lips.

Platonic or romantic, either or. Being here with Amy how he was now felt right. Amy murmured her words of promise into his skin.

"As if I needed any reason to stay other than you."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so in the tags I said "like" the 3rd chapter, using like as a qualifier. Sorry it didn't get to like really good kissing yet. I do believe the chapter 4 will have full on making out.
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter. Sad: yes, no? Good: thumbs up, thumbs down?
> 
> I'm such a dork cause I was totally crying whenever I wrote the rough rough rough draft for the dialogue of this chapter. Actual tears. I make myself cry. Please let me know if I'm not alone in getting over emotional about these two crying together.
> 
> All that nerdy goodness about air pressure - your body won't explode when suddenly exposed to the vacuum of space, but you will be able to feel the saliva on your tongue start to boil Before you pass out, but that'll all happen in like 15 seconds. Fun fact, right?
> 
> Luckily I did bring my laptop with me on vacation cause my mom was hella wrong and our hotel does have wifi. I thought she was crazy cause it's a major hotel chain, and I was right. Staying in the French Quarter of New Orleans for now.
> 
> Happy Solstice!


	4. If I stay (would you let me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make out promise delivery

 He wasn't sure if Amy was even saying real words anymore or just mumbling circle patterns and letting the tone of her voice soothe him, and he didn't know but he didn't care.

"Also, you're a huge jerk," she said light and teasing before flicking him in the ear and he yelped and jolted back.

"Hey! What was that for?" He wasn't going to fault her for being mad, but it was a little out of nowhere. Not the mad part, he knew where that was coming from, but the timing of her shift between comforting and teasing was incongruous to say the least. But he was so grateful that he had made her mad enough to tease him, and not hurt her enough to make her cry again.

"You've been purposely failing your classes," she reminded him with a pointed look. "And even though your puppy dog eyes and puppy dog reasoning make it impossible for me to be even a little bit mad at you, it was still a dick move. And if that's what this was all about why did you stop coming to tutoring when you were way past failing all of them?"

"You were worried the moment I started falling behind. And I didn't like lying to you."

"So you decided to stop talking to me rather than just tell me the truth?" Her question was rhetorical to point out his flawed logic, but he didn't need any help to realize he was the worst human on the planet with dealing with emotions. All he could do was shrug in defeat.

"What about after you stopped seeing me? Why didn't you start doing school work again?"

"Didn't have any motivation, and failing classes was my way of processing stuff like the broken glass you undoubtedly heard. Didn't work out like I planned. I didn't actually plan, though. Everything just sucked and it didn't seem worth it to even try to fix it. A lot of stuff hasn't seemed worth it without… you around," he finished with a fumble. By now it was more than obvious that she was really important to him, but he wasn't sure how that came off. Did it seem like she was so important because he didn't have very many real, actual friends? Did it look like he was so scared to lose her friendship?

Or did it look like he was scared to lose her presence?

Cause friends could walk out, or move away and while it would certainly suck, it never would have been this bad. Because Amy was more than that, on his side of the relationship at least.

He wasn't sure if it was that obvious though. If she could see all of that. If he came off as an emotionally damaged friend who was overreacting because he was so damaged. Or if he came off as an emotionally damaged friend who was overreacting because he was absolutely in love with her (don't forget the damaged part too).

At his mention of the general suckiness she developed a more serious expression and way less happy. Like she felt bad about how sucky it was when it was literally all his fault, and only his fault. Like she didn't try hard enough to help when he was running and ruining.

"I'm sorry that I-"

"How are they?" Jake asked hasty in his interruption. He really couldn't let her apologize for that because he wouldn't be able to handle hearing it. Not because it would make him feel a thousand times more guilty, because he was pretty sure that he had already crossed the human guilt threshold.

He didn't want to hear her apologize for it because he didn't want her to be sorry. Cause this was the happiest he had been in such a long time. He probably could have done without the crushing guilt, but even with that weighing him down he felt so, so light.

Even though he wasn't sure that he believed her 100% that she didn't need a reason to stay, it felt so good to hear her say it. Even if it was a bold faced lie, just hear her say it outloud felt good.

It took him a while to ever believe anyone when they said that to him.

He knew he should believe her, he was sure of it. If she said that she didn't need a reason to stay with any other person on earth and she said it with the same look that she was giving Jake, he would know without a doubt that it was the absolute truth.

If she said it about a serial killer on death row with the same voice, the same warm smile, the same kind eyes- he wouldn't have any trouble believing that she meant it because it was obvious.

But because she was saying that about Jake Peralta with the warm smile and kind eyes, he was just sure it couldn't be true.

Logically he could accept that Amy was the best person he had ever met and she wouldn't just leave anyone on earth behind like that- that was a fact. Illogically it didn't make a difference because it was Jake Peralta, not anyone.

Logically he knew he wasn't a horrible and irredeemable person. Logically he wasn't a serial killer on death row.

Illogically, however- he was Jake Peralta.

If he had to choose a partner for trust falls though, he'd choose Amy Santiago every time.

"The memories. How are the memories?" He gave her temple a single tap for good measure at her confused look.

He didn't know if he could retroactively un-ruin memories that were retroactively ruined in the first place. He was hoping that was possible. He was thinking that was possible, with how they got there and where they were at that moment. She was smiling at him again, and laughing- but he didn't want to use the word forgiven. Forgiven meant that he had done something so bad that he needed to be forgiven for in the first place- which he knew was true. He really fucked up, completely and utterly totaled. But if he admitted he needed her forgiveness and she didn't give it to him, he'd be left wide open.

But he realized he needed to stop protecting himself. Or stop protecting _only_ himself. Cause if Amy said now that she would have stayed if he had given her the option, he hurt her for no good reason. He hurt her because he was scared.

Jake always overcomplicated things. There wasn't anything he could do about it now, and he wasn't positive that it would have turned out all great if he had actually talked to her- he probably would have messed it all up even if he had tried being all honest and stuff. But there was the chance he could have avoided all of this if he just said word things. He could have avoided really hating himself and having an awful few weeks. He could have avoided hurting Amy and giving her an awful few weeks too.

He should have said something, and even if he was going to lose her, he should have been willing to be hurt by her. Open to the possibility. He was never a selfless person, but there were things he cared about. He cared about Amy.

"Still good. This new one's good too," her answer made him curious to say the least. Like making up was good, but she wasn't actually going to be happy when she looked back on this moment in the future, would she? It wasn't like he did something great. This whole thing was trying to correct a mistake.

"Why?"

"Jake Peralta cried for me. I'm pretty sure that's way up on the list of life accomplishments. Important life events for me: graduating kindergarten, becoming a finalist for the spelling bee in 3rd grade, winning the districts junior scientist competition, and making _the_ Jake Peralta cry," her face was lit up just like it used to be when she looked at him.

She really was brilliant. Not in the smart way (though she was a super genius too). Amy was the overwhelming, can't-get-out-of-the-way-and-wouldn't-want-to-even-if-I-could kind of brilliant.

Like when awesome used to be said when something was genuinely awe inspiring rather than just a word tossed around to describe something neat.

He was in the middle of marveling at her when he realized that she was making fun of him. The light teasing that he had missed so much from her, because he missed everything about her.

"Hey! I just poured my heart and soul out to you! You're not allowed to make fun of me!" Jake tried to be upset, or outraged, or something- but he couldn't. Amy was joking with him about how awful he was with emotions and he couldn't stop smiling. And he could tell that she knew he couldn't stop smiling too.

"I cried for you too, so you can tease me back," she offered as if that would suddenly make it fair.

"Yeah, but I still feel genuinely horrible about that!"

"Sounds like a personal problem, Peralta," she taunted and grinned.

He was trying to think of some quick and witty comeback when Amy took him by complete surprise and kissed him out of nowhere without any sort of warning. All of the sudden he went from looking at her smiling to feeling her not-smile against his lips when she kissed him.

It was all of two seconds long, but he froze. Even if it had been hours he probably would have been shocked still and not able to kiss back. Two seconds wasn't very long, but at least kissing back would have been a good signal that he seconded wanting to kiss her. That wanting kissing between them was very reciprocated.

But she pulled back and his face was fallen and frozen because he wasn't brilliant, and he wasn't a super genius. He wasn't a quick thinker and he could never react right. And he couldn't get out of her way even if he wanted to.

Amy took one look at his face and a deep red spread across hers as she avoided his gaze. Then he realized she was being bashful- flustered and the like. She was always shy and did everything to impress strangers. Even not strangers- she always tried to save face and was just an all around people pleaser.

Not just like teachers and authority figures and stuff. She went above and beyond for people her age, older, and younger. If someone decided they didn't like her, that just made her want to try and win them over even harder.

But she'd never been shy with him. Jake had annoyed her into enemies within five minutes of meeting her. And then like frenemies or whatever, and she was still never shy around him.

He'd be lying if he said he never imagined what it would be like if she actually cared so much about what he thought that she actually got nervous around him. Like he did her.

He'd never been motivated with anything involving school- that's why he never did good enough to get out of tutoring. He wasn't sure when it happened, but one day it hit him that he actually wanted to study because Amy thought it was important and he actually _cared_ about her opinion.

He never thought she cared about his opinion, but here she was looking all nervous as she tucked the hair behind her ears after kissing him.

She was nervous about what he thought of her kissing him.

"I'm not going to abandon you either way, but if you want me to kiss you while I stay, I wouldn't mind. If you'd let me do that. Kiss you. I'd like that," she explained reticent and blushy.

Amy Santiago deserved so many trust falls, and not the surprise kind. Like the scheduled ones where you stand up and tell the person that you were going to let them catch you and you let them without trying to catch yourself, not where you'd run up to someone and fall on them as a joke.

Surprise trust falls were hilarious in the right circumstances, but Amy deserved a 100% sincere trust fall.

He didn't have this innate trust of anything, so he couldn't do that with Amy. But he could get rid of the inherent distrust of anyone and everyone- just put that on hold for her, and only her.

He couldn't just jump in and believe her, even though he wanted to so desperately and she never did anything to deserve his doubt.

What he could do was go in blind and not automatically disbelieve her. Truthfully he was probably going to have to work on that too, but this was the most conscious decision he had ever made about something like this. Logically and illogically he wanted to trust her.

Logically and illogically he loved her.

He kissed her as his answer. He thought that was clear enough.

Longer than the first two second kiss. Much longer. And much deeper.

The one before it was a little longer than a peck, but this was a full on press and mold.

Him tangling his hands in her hair with all the desperation he felt may have come off as a little eager, but Amy was coming off as a little eager too. Really, they were both coming off as majorly eager.

He was a little trigger happy to be making out with Amy, so sue him. He was happy to be touching her. He was happy to be doing something with her that involved lips and neglected foreheads and tears.

He was overjoyed that her fucking fantastic hands were tugging at the roots of his hair to leverage herself against him and to pull him closer. He decided Amy Santiago's hands were only dumb when they weren't touching him.

While he was over eager, Amy was the one who opened the kiss first and licked his lips for a permission to taste him. At his enthusiastic compliance she explored his mouth deeper and deeper with her tongue, and while kissing Amy was the most natural and easy thing he had ever done, she still had her hands tugging at his roots to direct him where she wanted him for the best access. By that point he couldn't tell if the sounds were coming from her or him, but he didn't care one bit. He audibly whined when she stopped and pulled her lips away from his.

"So, is that a yes?" She asked with a breathless grin. She was so bright and so, so brilliant. With a pink flush smudged across her cheeks, the laughter in her eyes, every bit about her was overwhelming and amazing.

"God, this is exactly what I need right now," he sighed relief before he caught himself. "That sounded sarcastic, but it was completely genuine. You're exactly what I need right now. I need you, Ames."

Jake was then reminded of how in love he was with her smile. He didn't like her being unhappy, but he was in love with her scowl too. But the smile she was giving him right now was beautiful beyond belief. And he loved it.

* * *

He really, really wanted to say the right things to her. He really wanted to say something that would make everything okay and take back every awful thing he did. Which he knew was literally impossible to just erase the slate like that. And he really messed up, and if he could somehow go back in time it would mean that she wouldn't know how truly awful he was at stuff and it wouldn't be fair the next time he messed stuff up and she wouldn't remember learning all of it and it might not be able to be fixed next time.

But he wanted to say something to at least make what he did a little more better. Or really a little less worse. A little more bearable.

But he didn't know what, and he couldn't think when she was looking at him and smiling at him and directing her happiness at him. But he was really speechless, so instead of staring at her when he was trying to think of what to say, he was kissing her and trying to think of what to say.

But he couldn't think of anything eloquent or meaningful and he wasn't sure why he even tried, so he just mumbled apologies in between breaks in their kisses that only happened because they parted to get a better position.

If he was ever told in advance that this moment was going to happen, he never would have expected it to advance so quickly. He would have guessed that it would have been an awkward and fumbly first kiss and over a week before anything involving tongue. He didn't expect full on making out. He didn't expect her biting his bottom lip to get a rise out of him. He didn't expect to be nipping down her throat and he _never_ expected to hear her moaning and for her to hold his head in place when he found a sweet spot that she wanted him to pay extra special attention too.

All within the first hour.

It had been hours since she first arrived and they got all of the emotional junk out, but it went from two second first kiss to him coming dangerously close to giving her a hickey in less than an hour.

"What are you sorry for?" Amy asked breathless without realizing that to answer her question he would have to take his lips off her collarbone, longer than it took to whisper sorry and apologies over and over like he was.

"Everything. I'm sorry for everything. For running and ruining and making you cry."

"Stop being sorry. Stop apologizing."

"I can't," he told her honestly. He could physically stop committing the act of apologizing, but he couldn't just stop being sorry because he wanted to. He couldn't stop being sorry just because she wanted him to. That wasn't how regret worked.

Amy knew that too, so she said three very important words. Not the usual ones that people usually coyly called three words. She didn't say love. She said what he needed to hear at that exact moment. Because he needed her, and she knew exactly what to give him. Three very important words.

"I forgive you."

He was going to have to thank her for that sometime.

* * *

"Stay."

It wasn't exactly a question, or a command. It wasn't even a request. It was just something that Jake knew needed to be said out loud. Just a single word. Not a sentence, but a single, four letter word. It didn't even seem like an action or a verb or any part of speech.

It was just a fact that was up to Amy's choice if she wanted to make it true or false.

"And kiss you?" Amy asked with a grin.

"Yes."

"Yes," she said. She wasn't repeating his answer. She was giving her own answer and he was so glad they were on the same page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to get to this chapter with all the lovely make outs.  
> Ima try and update my other fics now, but I've been so into this that I've been spending my time on it, especially when this past week was busy busy busy.
> 
> I was wondering if I were to take Marco Polo into a more smutty direction, would it be best to just have the smut chapters in the same fic and change the rating from T to E? Or would it be better to make all the smutty stuff a seperate thing and put it all in a series and post notices/time lines in the smut stuff so I can keep Marco Polo rated Teen?  
> Thoughts?


	5. These atoms of mine

**These atoms and molecules of mine make it seem like I have a choice.**

* * *

 

 

“My mom would flip if she knew we were here alone. Grounding doesn’t work as a punishment since I haven’t wanted to go anywhere lately, so the usual motivation for me to stop sucking so much in school is moot,” Jake said as he swept up the slivers from the decimated glasses earlier. When Amy brought it up he admitted he probably should clean it up before he forgot so he wouldn’t get in quite so much trouble when his mom got home and she found out.

He felt a little like a broken robot that needed a reboot. Like he just had a paradox entered in him and was malfunctioning cause he just didn’t have the processing power for it- and now he was reduced to just basic computing because nothing else was possible.

Because Amy kissing him and wanting to kiss him was like a paradox. Somehow still he was cleaning up glass that he broke earlier in what was essentially a temper tantrum and he and Amy were talking together like normal. Or kinda normal.

“But she’d be pissed that I’ve been doing so bad in school lately  _ and _ had someone over without asking her beforehand. Especially a girl.”

“No she wouldn’t. She let me in before she went to work. What did you think I did? Just walk in here? I don’t make a habit of breaking and entering people’s houses,” Amy said from the dining room table chair she was sitting on and watching him from. Somehow she was talking to him like normal too. Somehow she was talking to him like what happened wasn’t a big deal. Like him creating this whole mess, making Amy yell at him, making Amy cry, Jake totally bawling in front of her, and then them making out- somehow she was acting like it wasn’t a big deal. Somehow it wasn’t a big deal (to her).

“I guess I thought you just entered,” he shrugged noncommittally. “I’m the only one who broke anything. Guess you had lucky timing to come before she left.”

“Luck had nothing to do with it. This was a coordinated attack. It was an ambush.”

He actually had to pause and look at her at that. Look at her and wait for an answer because he was really going to need an explanation for that one.

“The school doesn’t make a policy of handing out addresses to other students,” Amy informed him without the ‘duh’ that she was probably dying to add to the end of it. “Even if one student is avoiding the other student because he’s being an idiot. I only get to see your grades because that was a condition of the tutoring program that your  _ guardian _ gave permission for beforehand. I had to give my phone number to the guidance counselor to give to your mom so I could contact her in the fewest amount of steps because she would have had to give the counselor permission to give her number to me after she was made aware that I wanted to talk to her if I didn’t just have her call me directly herself.”

“Sounds like you went through an awful lot of trouble,” Jake noted and tried to sound as indifferent as possible. It actually kinda meant a lot that she went through all of that trouble for him. That she thought he was worth all that trouble. That she didn’t just give up on him and how much of an idiot he was with every new obstacle. He wanted to ask her if she regretted it. If Amy Santiago still thought Jake Peralta was worth it.

“It was. Your mom was the one who said that it was gonna have to be an ambush since you were refusing to see any other friends who came to check on you too. That’s when I found out that it wasn’t just me that you had a problem with.”

He wanted to say that he didn’t have a problem with her, and that he never had a problem with her- or anyone else for that matter. He had a problem with himself.

“You done with that?” She asked with a look to the dustpan full of glass in his hand before he could say much of anything. And the glass was all in the dustpan and a quick inspection didn’t reveal any on the floor so he nodded in response.

“Pip pip, then. I wanna see your room.”

* * *

Amy had technically already seen his room, but he doubted she got a good look with all the suckiness of the fight. Even so when they got back in there she didn’t inspect it like most people would- like he would have thought curious and inquisitive Amy would. That’s what he did in new rooms (not always bedrooms though), just check out what DVDs are in the rack, see what kinda music they’re into if the person had CDs lying around, or even books if they’re into the kind of stuff like reading.

But when they went back to his room with all of his failed papers still scattered on the floor, she just sat and got comfortable on his bed while he kneeled to gather all of the papers up slow and quiet. Seeing all of them reminded him just how very real and recent it was. So he gathered them all in a stack at a pathetic display of remorse and when he stood to face her again, he just stood there.

As ridiculous as it was he didn’t know where to sit. She was just smack dab in the middle of his bed. He didn’t know if sitting too close would be suggestive or sitting too far would be offensive, and he didn’t know where the line separating close from far was.

“I don’t bite, Peralta. At least not without permission,” she smirked and nodded him to sit down beside her and he did so but it was still super weird. It was weird that Amy Santiago was flirting with him. Was it still flirting now? Was it only flirting just now? Was it all teasing before? Was it all just teasing now? What was it ever?

Then she made a movement that he thought meant she was a bit unsatisfied with the distance between them, but then he realized just how unsatisfied she was when she repeated the motion.

“You want me to put my head in your lap? Doesn’t that strike you as weird?”

“You lost all right to complain about awkwardness weeks ago. And I don’t care if sitting across the room would be less embarrassing for you. I want you here right now and I don’t give a crap about your level of embarrassment, okay?”

Jake was kinda glad for the guilt at that moment. Because he knew that it would feel nice, and he wanted to say yes. His kneejerk reaction was to do anything to get out of the situation, and he would have tried if it was just him feeling shitty and Amy was feeling okay. Cause he was never good at this stuff.

He was glad Amy was guilting him into doing something he really wanted to do.

So he stretched out and laid his stupid, stupid head in her lap and she just ran her fingers through his hair. Basically she was petting him.

And she was right. He would be less embarrassed across the room. But he’d be way less happy too.

He couldn’t even process stuff like a regular person. He couldn’t even deal with normal displays of emotions. He couldn’t even apologize right.

But he knew enough that even this wasn’t normal for normal people.

Even if he wasn’t always trying to act self confident and cocky in front of the rest of the human population, he always tried to impress Amy. This was so not impressive.

He was supposed to act all cool in front of the girl that he was making out with earlier that day. The girl that he still wanted to make out with and was hoping to make out with later.

The girl whose hand he wanted to hold.

The girl whose lap he wanted nothing more than to lay his head on all night.

The girl he  ~~ liked ~~ .

The girl he loved.

* * *

“Why is this happening now? Today of all days? Is it just because of the crying thing back there? Do you just feel bad?” Jake asked and he wished he could just leave well enough alone. He wanted to stop questioning her because every time he asked again she was more likely to say no. He wished he could stop, and he would if he could.

If he asked a million times, maybe she’d get tired of placating him and say no on the 999,999 time. But that would mean she said yes 999,998 times- and he just couldn’t leave it at that if it was possible that a no was still coming and he didn’t know when. He just couldn’t shut up and he couldn’t stop asking her.

“Hey, don’t get like that with me now,” Amy hushed him. “I thought you hated me for the past month. You weren’t sending out mixed signals. You were sending out negative signals,” she spoke with soothing tones, her fingers still in his hair and everything about her was warm. She was still so soft with him and he really couldn’t understand it. It didn’t make sense how she was being so kind and sweet to him, and so, so gentle.

Amy was solely pastel colors, muting his with soft brush strokes. Fading out the bright lights on him and toning him down. Blurred lines instead of definite and distinct. It was good to be faint with her- like washed out or blended like steam. Going from a scream to a whisper.

“I came here to yell at you and ask what I did wrong, cause I didn’t know. I couldn’t figure it out, and since I didn’t know what I did I couldn’t even try to fix it. But you were being all jerky so I didn’t even get past the yelling part.”

“I hated that,” he admitted with a breath that was getting shaky all over again. “You yelling and crying. Not that you were yelling at me, cause I’m used to yelling. I hated that I was the one who made you look so… sad. That I did that to you.” Jake squeezed his eyes shut so tight it hurt, but he kept trying to go tighter.

“It’s okay, Jake.”

“It’s really not. It’s not okay that I did that. It’ll never be okay that I did that. I always ruin everything”

“It’s not your fault,” she reassured him, but she was wrong. He knew she was wrong.

“It’s  _ always _ my fault. I’m always the one who makes the decisions that ruin everything. I’m the one who chose to avoid you. I’m the one who went out of my way to avoid you. It would have been so easy to talk to you. I wanted to talk to you so bad. And literally every day I pictured going up to you and apologizing or trying to explain or just saying something. Full out back and forth conversations, and sometimes you’d say you hated me, and sometimes you’d say you understood and that you didn’t blame me. Or just every other way you could have possibly responded. I was picturing that everyday in my head, when in reality I never even took a step in your direction. I didn’t even fucking try. And I really, really hurt you all because I wouldn’t even try. It would have been so easy, and I don’t know why I didn’t. I never do it and I never know why.”

His jaw was getting so tight that it was almost a miracle that he was still able to speak. Though him speaking was the least miraculous thing about the situation. The most miraculous thing was that Amy was even there at all.

“What are you doing with your face? Stop doing that. It feels weird,” she told him as she got her hand all up in there. He was laying on his side facing away from her with his head in her lap that she couldn’t even see. But he guessed that she could feel his jaw tensing against her leg or something, hence her hands wiggling his nose and fritzing out all over the place to release the tension. And it was like comedic relief- it was so utterly absurd that he couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re such a freak show,” he smiled full of affection and rolled on his back so he could look up at her.

“You love it,” she teased all light with her smirk, until he brought it all down to super serious when he reached a hand up to her cheek and she visibly stopped breathing

“I really do. For a while now.”

When she was looking down at him then it wasn’t like when people zone out at eye contact level and you think they’re staring at you. This wasn’t even talking directly to someone and looking in their eyes level of eye contact.

This was deep, soul searching, mind reading looking into each other’s eyes- fraught with meaning and completely intimidating. Jake wasn’t even sure what the meaning it was fraught with meant- just that it was incredibly important. 

Strike him down right where he laid if he knew what it meant, but he was put at ease when she smiled soft and sweet and brushed the hair out of his forehead.

“Do you want me to say it now? Or should I save it for later so it’s not right after you the first time?”

No one was supposed to look at him the way Amy was looking at him right then. People didn’t look at him like he was important- that was just the way the world worked. A fact of the universe he had come to know was that no one was ever going to look at him like that- all tender and graceful and loving.

He accepted by that point that no one was ever going to look at him the way Amy was looking at him now.

For a second he thought he was going to throw up, then he realized that if anything the feeling he had was more like when his family first found out that he was allergic to bees.

They had no idea until he was stung by one at recess in 3rd grade and his throat started swelling up and he went into anaphylactic shock until the school nurse stabbed him with an epipen and he was able to breathe again.

Even though his throat was tight at the moment he was still able to breathe, and still able to answer Amy.

“Please tell me.”

“I love you, Jake,” she murmured and still never took away her touch. That was the first moment he allowed himself to entertain the notion that he really would never lose her.

Until that moment he tried not to think about it because it still seemed like an inevitability. But when she said she loved him while stroking his hair and looking at him like he was important- that was the first time he actually believed that maybe the universe was wrong and someone could look at him like that.

He believed that there was actually a possibility that the universe was wrong and Amy Santiago was someone he could keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me oh my, look at all of these emotions!  
> I believe the next chapter will be from Amy’s point of view and we’ll get to see her thought process and how she’s so calm and how she got to be so good at comforting. So I think that will be ch 6, but no promises in case I decide to push off that chapter to chapter 7. It is coming soon though, I promise!  
> And don’t you just love when you get to sneak little canon stuff into fics? Like I was thinking about having Jake speculate on what anaphylactic shock feels like, but then I was like ‘dude, one of the most recent episodes made it canon that he was deathly allergic to bees, so I gotta have that in there’.  
> It’s like inside jokes in between the whole fandom.  
> I don’t think inside jokes is the right term since there’s not really an outside since I’m 99.99% certain that only B99 fans read this, so everyone’s on the inside.  
> But whatever. Inside jokes for the win!


	6. Comfort (well and truly complete)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teenage hormones galore

It wasn't like Amy was the most emotionally healthy person either. She was a total people pleaser and couldn't say no to anyone who asked her for a favor until she was buried under a mountain of homework, errands, and favors when she bit off more than she could chew.

She couldn't get up in front of the class by herself without almost having a nervous break down every single time. As if group projects weren't bad enough with her overactive not-even-a-real-stage stage fright, at least group presentations she could hide behind taller members of the group- no such luck when she had to do something by herself.

But even though she had to try to not have a panic attack on a semi-regular basis, she knew that even people who looked picture perfect on the outside had their own problems to hang up their coat and go home to.

Amy actually was kinda a people person- but on a small scale. Amy was more of a person person. A one on one scale she excelled at, but large groups, crowds, and stages were the death of her. She never would have gotten as close with Jake as she did if it wasn't just them in tutoring. Even if they were part of a three person study group they probably wouldn't have ended up as friends.

Jake was the stereotypical social butterfly, but the night that they were crying together seemed like the first time he opened up to her- real, _deep_ talk. From what she gathered though, he never opened up to anyone. He had loads of friends and people who wanted to hang out with him, but he didn't go to any of them when he was upset about Amy. When she found out that he was ignoring anyone who actually came by to check on him she wondered how many people actually came. The classmates that goofing off with in detention was almost a daily occurrence, the same kids he ate lunch with all year, the people who had been in the same grade as him since kindergarten- she wondered how many of them came.

He wasn't exactly the popular kid with no real friends- the real friends were the ones who stopped by and tried to check on him even though he was ignoring them and trying to push them away. Like he was trying to push away Amy.

She just wondered how many. How many of the people that he smiled with and had fun with everyday stopped bothering with him when he wasn't fun and smiling lately.

Jake really was a good person who was nice to everyone. He was nice to people he didn't know, and did the high and mighty routine in front of friends and classmates and teachers. He was the kid with the witty comebacks, and saved the jokes and insults with friends. He didn't single out uncool kids or something- if he was ever making fun of someone it was his friend and they would be trading insults back and forth with each other in the middle of a history lesson. While the equivalent of a yo mama battle was disruptive in class, it was never mean hearted.

He wouldn't go a ways out of his way to make sure someone he didn't know at all was alright, but if he had ever had a conversation with a person he would at least try something.

For most people, best friends were the only one who got the house calls if they were acting off.

Jake gave best friends and regular friends house calls. Acquaintances he would see if they were doing okay during school hours. Even classmates he wasn't close with he would at least notice if they were absent a couple days in a row, and he picked up on stuff with people who never talked to him at all.

With kids who said 10 words a week in class, and so said less than 1 word a month to him directly, he noticed when they went from 10 words a week to the class to 5 words a week to the class, even though they never spoke a single one to him.

So Jake was a really good person, even though he wouldn't accept that. Too good of a person. He was a nicer person than Amy. Amy didn't make house calls for best friends or friends, didn't ask about acquaintances, and didn't notice people that were complete opposites of her. She noticed the quiet and nerdy kids because she was one, but she didn't even know the names of the more social kids. Jake knew almost everyone's name, and even if he didn't know their name he had at least one, specific and unique memory attached to each individual.

He was a nicer person than pretty much everyone. Even though he would die if anyone ever pointed out just how nice he was.

* * *

 

“I wish I would just stop breathing right now so I don't have to wonder how many more minutes it'll be until I choke on everything right here,” Jake said as he waved his hand over his chest and neck.

She knew exactly what he was talking about. The horrible weight had left her after she had gotten all of her tears out and was running her fingers through his hair while he got out his.

It felt so good to hold him then. Nice and tight, almost like a stress ball. Just pretend that she never had to let him go, and keep up that pretense as long as he would let her.

Comforting Jake was helping her breathe again, but before that it felt like the pressure in her chest was so great that she was going to collapse in on herself and form a black hole. Like her lungs were moments away from capsizing and bringing her down with them.

Until she started holding him. Then her breath came back and she felt okay again.

She was actually looking forward to the next time something like that happened with just the two of them. Crying and soothing. A release and a purge.

Crying alone was almost never enjoyable.

Crying while being comforted by someone else was better.

But crying with Jake was something new. It was good with him.

When she was helping him get it all out she had this mother goose compassion urge going on- but also an undeniable possessiveness. She wasn't going to let anyone hurt him again because Jake was _hers_.

Really, it was like a mama bear protectiveness and possessiveness on her part- she didn't let anyone hurt the people she loved: family or friends. So of course no one was ever allowed to come close to hurting Jake again.

Anyone who even tried to touch him was going to have to go through her first. But Jake wasn't actually hers though, not yet at least. The kiss happened after all of the comforting- maybe as of today Jake was officially hers. Maybe she finally had some claim to him.

* * *

 

It was weird having all the boy crush sexual thoughts about him, then suddenly wanting to keep him safe and cosset and cradle him to sleep. Then kissing came along and she went back to fantasizing about him while in the back of her mind knowing that she had to protect him because he was too good and innocent. Even when he was sucking on her throat and making her moan he was still so pure in the best way. He had naive eyes that never lied. That was why he always ran and hid- turned his face away so his eyes couldn't tell the truth.

He was so good she couldn't bare it.

So she was gonna protect him and keep him safe while kissing him (and a bit more) the whole time. She wanted him. All of him. His heart, his mind, and his body. She didn't want to share.

Most of all she wanted his love.

* * *

 

Amy was a good comforter, all her life.

Comforting her mom when she was crying wasn't too unexpected since she was the only girl in the house, but whenever her brothers needed someone they went to Amy, and not their mom.

Every time her brothers needed to talk something out she was there, especially if it was an issue that would be best without parental involvement.

Even when they were kids they went to their little sister and not their mom. If someone stole a toy that was usually a tattle on to the parents situation, but her brothers went to Amy. One of her earliest memories was when she was about 4 years old and she was listening to her brother tell her about how he hated his first day of second grade and never wanted to go back to school again, and she was nodding along and finally convinced him to give second grade another try (and his second day was much better than the first). Elementary kids saying how they hated school was usually something they cried to their parents about, but Michael came to his 4 year old sister, because she had already built up a reputation by that point.

The first time her dad cried in front of her she was probably around 10 years old and he said something about how fathers weren't supposed to cry in front of their daughters, and Amy promptly told him to stop being stupid and cry it out like a man.

That made him laugh instead of cry, but that was just as well.

* * *

 

**_4 days before the kissing, comforting, and claiming  
_ **

“ _Amy, we're just about to sit down for dinner-” Her mom said as she opened the door (she knocked first, but Amy didn't answer). Then she saw Amy on her bed hugging her knees with disheveled hair and red all around her eyes- and she did the nurturing mom thing to do. Really, she just wrapped her arms around Amy as quick as she could, but that was a very mom thing to do._

_Amy had stopped crying about 10 minutes ago and was just sitting with herself in silence before her mom came in, but that set her back to crying again._

_It was a bit hypocritical for her to tell everyone that it's okay to cry and that they can come to her about anything when she wouldn't do the same. She knew it was okay to cry and went to her family if she was really upset about something- but not this. When she was crying lately it never made her feel better and even though she knew it was okay to cry she didn't want it to be okay to cry- and she just wanted to wallow and validate how awful she felt. She felt worse every time she cried lately and even though she knew she'd feel at least a little bit better if she went to her mom (since it was a boy problem) she didn't. Just cried and wallowed._

_Until that moment when she started crying again while her mom was hugging her._

_When Amy's crying had been taken down a notch her mom was still hugging her and asked “Amy, what's wrong? What happened?”_

“ _I don't know. I don't know what I did wrong. And I don't know how to fix it,” she got out before her crying was taken back up a notch. Taken up a couple of notches. And just like she knew, having her mom with her there felt a little bit better. Better than it would have if she was sobbing alone._

* * *

 

“ _Baby, don't be mature right now. You grew up so much quicker than your brothers. But don't problem solve right now. You can figure it out tomorrow and we'll all try to help if you let us. But don't worry about fixing anything right now. Don't think about something new you can try or how frustrating it is that nothing's worked yet. Just take some time to be upset and let your momma hold you, okay?”_

_Amy only managed a nod, but that was answer enough._

* * *

“ _How do you know? How do you know when you love someone my age and it's not just chemicals in your teenage brain playing tricks on you?”_

_Her mom was still sitting with her at that point but Amy was actually able to talk now without wanting to cry. It wasn't like it would be hard to guess that she was having a boy problem, but until that moment Amy didn't confirm the suspicions._

_She knew about crushes and puppy love and teenage hormones, but her parents started dating when they were 15 years old and they were still going strong. So when all the adults (excluding her parents) told kids that if they loved someone while they were still in high school that it wasn't really love and it was just teenage hormones- there had to be something more to it. There had to be some way to tell when you weren't in the moment. Because she really, really felt like she loved Jake. But so many people said that in hindsight they could tell that they weren't really in love when they were younger, so Amy wanted to know how she could recognize in regular sight that she was really in love._

“ _Amy, that's all you are your whole life. One big brain full of chemicals. You can be 40 years old and meet the love of your life, and fall out of love 2 years later. Just because it stops doesn't mean it was never real. They were just the love of that part of your life. If your teenage brain is telling you that you love someone, that means you love someone. Even if you fall out of love doesn't mean that it was never real. Adult brains and teenage brains have chemicals that tell them when they're in love. No one can tell you how you feel except yourself- don't let anyone tell you that you can't love.”_

* * *

“ _They're eavesdropping outside the door, aren't they?” Amy asked her mom with a slight and knowing smile._

“ _You know they are.”_

“ _You guys can come in now,” Amy called and her brothers and her dad piled into her room and with anyone else the room would have seemed crowded- but with her family it just looked like closeness. She was laughing within 5 minutes when her brothers wouldn't stop pressing for a name of who they needed to beat up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, don't you just hate it when teenage hormones make you want to give someone a good sexing more than you would with not teenage hormones? It's like 'brain, let me have my emotions and let me have my sex drive, but you don't need to dial them both up to 10 at the same time, you feel me? I know you feel me, brain. I know you feel my tactile feelings and emotional feelings, so stop messing with them.'
> 
> God forbid you're one of those girls that get super horny at some points in your cycle, cause you're just screwed and paved over completely- bulldozed by your own brain. Right? You feel me teenagers of the feminine variety?


	7. Probably Hallelujah

“Did you really think that I was gonna do that? Just ignore you or forget about you after tutoring ended? Or pretend that we never met or something? That I would just... leave. Did I make you think that I would ever do that?” Amy sounded like she felt bad that he would even question the fact that she would stay with him.

He didn't know how to say that it was all him and had surprisingly little to do with her. His running away had nothing to do with her other than the fact that it was her. She was the good part. His running away from the good part wasn't the good part's fault. She sounded like she thought she did something wrong, when she was the only right thing he knew.

He didn't know how to say that she wasn't like a bad friend, and that he was the bad friend in their friendish-ship. He didn't know how to say that she didn't do anything wrong, and she did everything right, and he still ran away from the only right thing he knew. The good part. He ran away from her.

“Amy, you know about what happened with my…” he shook his head and tried to think of a better way to say it. It wasn’t like they ever dug deep into life stories, but a throwaway comment here and there added up over time.

And over time, after they got to the friendish-point, it wasn’t throw away comments. It was actually talking to each other.

So yeah, they knew each other pretty well.

It was kinda hard not to know each other after all that time. Learn about each other.

He and his mom had been on their own for years, long before he met Amy – so it wasn't a fresh wound or anything. It wasn't a big deal or anything he tried to hide. It happened to lots of families. Family members leaving other family members. It wasn't a big deal at all.

He shouldn’t be this messed up over it. No one was ever this messed up about divorced parents. Jake didn’t even know why he was so messed up over it. He didn’t have anything else to be messed up over, no childhood trauma or whatever. It was pretty obvious he was all wrecked over people leaving cause his father left, but it didn’t feel like one caused the other. It was obvious that was the truth, simple cause and effect - it was obvious to Jake that was it.

But he hated it. Of course he hated that he was such a mess, but he hated it even more that it was because of his dad. He hated his dad, he was glad he was gone. Maybe if his dad was a good father Jake might've wanted him to stick around, but he wasn't so it was good he left. Jake and his mom were better off without him.

And he hated his dad, so he hated that he was messed up about people leaving because of that. Right? People didn't just get all abandonment for nothing, so that had to be it.

“Amy, you’re my tutor. That’s the basis of our relationship. My own father left.”

“No, Jake, you’re my friend,” she corrected him without the slightest hesitation. “That’s the basis of our relationship. I’m not just your tutor. It started out that way, but it changed. I’m your friend. That’s our relationship.”

“Well, now it’s changed again, right?” He asked with all of his usual insecurities showing instead of being covered up with false bravado. He couldn’t even look at her, just the figure eights he was drawing passive on his bed spread. When she didn’t respond he glanced up to her for a second to see her furrowed brow and he realized he really needed to spell it out for her. But he wasn’t good at actually saying stuff, much less spelling.

“I mean, with the kissing and stuff. Like different. And changed,” his tongue quickly darted over his lip without even asking his brain for permission. “We’re not just friends anymore, right?”

“Like girlfriend?” Amy asked with a tilted smile. He actually managed to look at her for more than a second. Look at her smile, really. And think about kissing her.

He was 50% sure she was teasing him. Well, he was 100% sure she was teasing him (that slight and tilted grin was the one she used when she was teasing him or returning one of his jabs). He was 50% sure that she was teasing him and wanted to start dating or some stupid shit, and he was 50% sure she was teasing him because they were friends and she wanted to stay friends and she was going to take jabs at him for asking her out for months to come.

Like the kissing and what she said and the love thing seemed like a more than friends thing, but he wasn’t exactly the best at feelings-y stuff and it wasn’t like he knew the rules and what qualified as what.

She said she wanted to kiss him and stay and that seemed like it would be an easy read between the lines situation, but he sucked at stuff like this and she just said friends like a billion times (or really just twice, but the effect was still the same).

He wasn’t a pro at the whole relationship thing. And it was pretty clear that he was a gazillion times worse about asking someone to be in a relationship.

God, how did everyone do this all the time? It sucked.

Amy still had her slight smile and he sucked at stuff but he still needed to answer her in a way that couldn’t be misinterpreted. He could have said one word and have it all be over with: yes. No misunderstandings or vague euphemisms, but try as he might he couldn’t be that direct even if his life depended on it.

“I mean, if you’d be open to that…” he trailed off and tried to stop chewing on his lip, but he couldn’t help it. It was a nervous habit. And Amy Santiago brought out every nervous habit he had in him.  
“It’s cute that you’re so worried and endearing that you even had to ask,” she smirked and crawled into his lap. They were both already sitting on his bed close enough to each other, but it took about 0.2 seconds for her to get on top of him and he wasn’t left with anything to look at but her face. Just stop and stare all wide eyed and frozen.  
She was still wearing her smirk, but it was way more suggestive than usual. And all kinds of hot.  
“Because I won’t be kissing anyone but my boyfriend Jake Peralta,” she said before doing just that. But it was way more than the kisses they had shared earlier. If this was a kiss then what they had been doing earlier was just a polite greeting.  
She stole his nervous habit from him by tugging his bottom lip from between his teeth to hers so she could bite it herself and some pleased noise strangled in his throat. Fuck, Amy sucking on his lip was like 7 billion minutes in heaven.

God, he could kiss her forever. He wanted to kiss her forever. Even so, he cut off the kiss and laid his forehead against hers and just closed his eyes. His hand was still woven into her hair at the base of her head, but instead of the fist that he unintentionally made when they were making out, his fingers were just resting. Really more of holding. Holding as gentle as could be, his thumb softly stroking the spot just behind her ear and he sighed at just how right the closeness felt. It wasn't like he had done this before. Forget about the making out, the strangest thing, the best thing, was the gentle and mindless touches. Stroking her cheek, trailing his fingers down her arm, resting his hand on the small of her back and drawing circles with his thumb- this kind of closeness wasn't something he did every day. The soft caresses that expressed way more feelings than making out ever could. And he didn't hesitate expressing those. Because this closeness to Amy, it wasn't something he had to get used to. It was something that he hadn't even known he'd been missing, but now that he found it all he could think was _finally_. This was something he never knew he was waiting on, but now that he found her, he realized she filled some little gap he'd never even noticed before. The missing piece. Or at least _A_ missing piece. Not a piece right in the middle of the puzzle making some huge hole like every third love song was singing about. There wasn't this huge gap in the middle of the metaphor and he was just wandering around trying to stumble on a piece that made him complete. His middle was pretty whole. The core of his puzzle being was fine. Amy was more like an edge piece. One of the pieces that gets brushed off the table and you don't even realize it until you finish most of the puzzle and realize there's a couple missing. In the puzzle of Jake Peralta, Amy Santiago was a very important edge piece. One of the corner pieces. Out of all the crap he read in English class over the years there was always some sonnet or novel they had to analyze that said stuff about finding your other half like you're not a real person until you find someone to get all kissy faced with. Not a whole person. Which he thought was pretty stupid every time he had to analyze one for a grade.

But he knew what they were trying to get at now. It wasn't like he was just half a person his whole life until he met Amy. He was a mostly completed puzzle, with some pieces missing. Every once in a while he'd find one of the pieces and put it in over the years. Just like he found Amy. A very important corner piece. Out of a thousand piece puzzle there were only four corner pieces. Hell, Amy was probably all four of the corner pieces he'd been missing up till now. That he got to just put in place. Amy was his missing pieces. But even now, he still wasn't a finished puzzle. But he was okay with that. He thought that was pretty much what life was, gathering up all your pieces over the course of your whole life time. Missing memories and moments that you'd stumble across without even realizing they were one of your pieces at first. Until you put them in and they fit perfectly. Just like Amy fit perfectly.

She still had her hands wrapped around his neck and even though his eyes were closed and he couldn't see her expression, he could tell that she was just as content at he was. The soft kiss she placed on his cheek might have clued him in on what she was thinking too.

When he opened his eyes and she was smiling at him with soft contentment he wished he could stop asking. He wished he could stop questioning her. Because every time he did it just made it more and more likely that she'd get tired of it, tired of the questioning, and say no. That she'd come to the conclusion that she actually wanted nothing to do with him, and that she just wasn't thinking straight when she said yes all the times before.

“Are you sure, though?” Jake asked, doing his best to ignore the way the words caught in his throat. “Cause it's okay if you're not sure. If you're not sure if you actually want to do an official dating thing yet. I get that. It's not like you have to say yes cause of everything tonight. Like I'm sure cause I've wanted that for awhile, you. I've wanted you for a very long time,” he attempted to chuckle but it came out sounding more like choked huffs. “Serious feelings and junk. Actual real stuff with you. But it's okay if you don't know yet. You don't have to decide or whatever right now. If you don't want to. So, I mean- are you sure?”

“Jake, I need you to trust me,” Amy said softly, and he immediately began to apologize but she covered his mouth so he would stop speaking. Not just a finger over his lips like they do in the movies, she put her whole hand over his mouth to shut him up. His usual go to move was to lick someone's hand when they covered his mouth, but he was too surprised and confused to do anything other than look at her like she was crazy.

“I know, I know. Most people go with the 'it's not you it's me' line when they're breaking up with someone, not asking them out. I get it. And I still want you. Just as much as always. Probably even more than always, after tonight. This isn't sudden for me. Well, I mean, actually starting a relationship right now is pretty sudden, but wanting to be serious with you isn't sudden for me. I've wanted you for a very long time too. But I never thought I'd actually get you. Even when you were being a huge jerk and failing your classes and avoiding me when all I wanted was to ask you what was wrong. I was wanting you the whole time. I wanted to punch you too, but I still wanted you,” Amy quipped and he laughed under her palm. “I wanted you long before that. And I was super pissed when my friend just started ignoring me out of the blue, but just cause I was pissed at you didn't change the fact that I wanted you. I wanted you more than I thought you'd ever want me.”

At that Amy shifted her hand's position so she wasn't covering his mouth anymore, instead she chose to trace his lips over and over again with her thumb, and he still couldn't speak. He still couldn't think.

He honestly didn't have a word for the way she was looking at him. Her dark brown eyes were still flickering with light as she studied every part of his face, but it was the soft affection in her gaze that made his heart pound harder that he thought was possible. The lazy smile that tugged at the corner of her mouth as she brushed over his tingling nerves, thumbing open his bottom lip, smile curving up with something like pride at how easily his lips parted for her.

He couldn't help but stop and stare when she turned her bright eyes back to his. Grin tugging at her lips and eyes shining with something like happiness when she looked at him.

“You know I do at least five rough drafts for every essay I turn in, even though you say that just one rough draft is too many. Triple check all my answers on every test. In middle school I honestly started planning my 13th birthday party the month after I turned 12. My whole life I've always thought things through before making a move. Sometimes I think about things too much and start worrying like crazy, but that's a whole different thing. I don't do anything I'm not sure of. I don't anything if I'm not 100% positive. I always have to think everything through first. You know that about me. So I need you to trust me when I say that I've already thought everything through when it comes to Jake Peralta. And I'm at 100% with you. I want you. I know you're sorry about everything, and I forgive you. I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to feel happy. I want you to be happy with me, just as happy as I am right now. And I know me saying that probably isn't gonna stop you from feeling bad and apologizing like crazy again, but I don't want you to apologize for how happy I am right now. Because of you. It's alright now. Please don't be sorry about how happy you make me. And if you're still convinced that you have to make up for it regardless of what I say, just let me have you. Now that I finally have you just- just let me keep you. Don't run away again. Don't hide cause you think you're not enough. Don't leave cause you're convinced I don't know what I'm doing when I say I want you. If you wanna make up for it, next time you're so sure I don't know what I'm doing when I say I want to be with you, that I want you- if that ever comes up again, I need you to say something to me. And I'll tell you just how wrong you are. Hopefully it's gotten through your thick skull by now that I really... I really love you, Jake. I know who you are. And hopefully nothing close to this will ever happen again, but I'm saying it now just in case. So you'll remember this conversation. If you do start thinking that way again. Say something to me. Don't just leave without a word. Don't just leave. Please don't leave me again. Now that we're finally here... just let me have you.”

Amy stumbled over the last sentence, eyes glistening again with tears that he prays won't fall. He doesn't want to be the reason she cries ever again.

Her word choice was what hit him hardest. Out of his whole life, Amy was probably the hardest thing to ever hit him, emotionally speaking. Not literally. But even with every pang he ever got from her, good or bad, this was by far the hardest. Nothing had ever impacted him like this.

Just her choice of words. Just one word, really.

Leave.

She asked him not to leave her. She asked him not to leave her _again._

That was too much for him to handle, the weight of her words. That was too much for him to even process fully at the time. But he could process some of the impact, and just that little sliver was the most painful thing he had ever felt.

Jake was always terrified of people leaving him, pretty much his whole life. It wasn't that he thought about that every single moment, every time he met someone new, every time he started a friendship.

But the instant that it became a possibility that someone he was close to might leave (whether they wanted to or not) he was just as terrified as the seven year old he thought he left behind long ago.

As he got older he got better at internalizing the freak out or just plain old blocking it out, but it was still there underneath it all.

Charles seemed way more distraught than him when he told Jake in 8th grade that his mom was interviewing for some sort of lawyer thing hours away and if she got the job his family would have to move.

And Jake was the one who patted him on the back and said it wouldn't be a big deal if he did have to move since it was way easier to stay friends in the technology age than when everyone was mailing letters on horseback.

After cheering up Charles he went home and threw a baseball at his ceiling in silence for two hours straight.

Luckily his mom was hired at a firm that was only a 30 minute commute, so it worked out in the end and they had five classes together this year. Worried for nothing. He still got to see his best friend every day.

Amy asked him not to leave her. She asked him not to leave her _again._

It was a lot easier thinking of it as Jake running away from Amy. That he didn't matter _that_ much. But apparently he was wrong. He mattered so much to her that when he went in a different direction he wasn't walking away from her, he was leaving her behind.

Amy asked him not to leave her. She asked him not to leave her _again._

Fuck, he was gonna start crying again any second now. He really wished he could stop doing that. Even though he knew that there wasn't actually anything wrong with him crying, it just made him feel like a stupid little kid again. He felt like a stupid kid crying alone, not just when someone was watching him.

Then he had one of those 'just fuck it' realizations that he didn't even care anymore. He'd already freaking sobbed on her shoulder today, it wasn't like him crying again was gonna make a difference after that. So with the sudden sense of clarity, the sudden sense of just fuck it, he stopped trying to not start crying again.

Instead he held her wrist and brought her palm to his lips to kiss. Amy watched him like he was some sort of miracle as he planted soft kisses over every inch of her skin. She looked at him like he was too good to exist as he brushed his lips over the back of her hand, even with tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Okay,” he whispered, his voice too choked up and ragged to speak intelligibly if he went any louder. “I promise. I won't- not again. I swear. I'm not going anywhere. Not gonna run. Or leave. You got me. God, I promise, Amy,” his voice broke on her name and he closed his eyes and kissed her palm again to give his wreck of vocal cords a second to recover so he could finish what he wanted to say. “I promise. Please, I promise. I won't go anywhere. I won't go anywhere without you. I won't leave. I won't leave again. Here. Staying right here. You have me. Yours. As long as you want me, I'm yours. I wanna be. I wanna be yours as long as you'll let me. You can keep me if I can keep you. Sound fair?” Jake asked, and his heart stopped hurting the moment he heard her laugh again.

“Yeah. Sounds like a fair trade. You get me, I get you. Truth is, I was yours long before I even considered letting you know. Now you know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be summed up perfectly with the lyrics "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to".  
> More like it's my fic and I'll cry if I want to and I'll drag you all down with me if that's alright with you.  
> Doesn't have the same ring to it, huh?
> 
> I also want to point out that I'm not advocating Jake's line of thinking that he shouldn't be so messed up over it. I put it in there cause truth be told way too many people think along those lines. I have known too many lovely people who felt guilty about being depressed because nothing 'that bad' ever happened to them.  
> And yes, sometimes depression can have environmental causes, and sometimes it's biology and genetics and your brain just stops regulating your serotonin levels, etc. etc. all those other brain chemicals that go together oh so nicely when it's working properly.  
> And with stuff like abandonment issues in this chapter, you can't control how something affects you. You have a right to your feelings. You can't choose what affects you and how much, and neither can anyone else. We all get affected by different things at different levels, and there's nothing you did wrong if you feel upset or hurt about something that other people think isn't a big deal.  
> If you choose to express your emotions (positive and negative) in a healthy or unhealthy matter is under your control.
> 
>  
> 
> Alright, I think I got the heavy stuff over with. Woo!  
> And I would appreciate it if we all just ignore the fact that the chapter before this was uploaded at the end of January. Thank you very much.
> 
> Have a great day.


	8. Bell Curve

He had no clue that Amy would be this comfortable and this _skilled_ so quick. Not Amy Santiago. Before tonight, before everything, when he imagined- fantasized really- about her ever feeling the same as him it never happened like this. This was not likely. Amy Santiago who would rather give a handshake than a hug, Amy Santiago who hated getting up in front of a class, Amy Santiago who despised group activities with a vengeance, Amy Santiago who stumbled every time she introduced herself- it wasn't supposed to go down like this. Amy Santiago who pursed her lips and told him to shut up and stop being an idiot whenever he made a not so subtle suggestive comment, Amy Santiago who was voted most appropriate before he even met her (god, she brought that up so many times, like it was a brag worthy accomplishment and he should be impressed by it- if he was ever voted most appropriate he would do whatever he could to make sure no one found that out). With Amy Santiago it was supposed to be a fumbly first kiss and a week before anything involving tongue. Anything close to this intense would have taken at least a month. That was the most likely scenario if they ever did happen. When they finally happened tonight she was already full on making out and literally _grinding_ on him with clear intent and he wondered what happened to the Amy Santiago who got the barely there red tint brushed across her cheeks whenever he made a double entendre. Where in the world did she go?

He didn't even care, cause the Amy before him was smiling so bright that he couldn't even think. She studied his slack jawed expression with a proud and smug grin on her face. It was close to her know it all grin that she had every time they got in an argument about something not school related and they were both sure they were right, so she'd pull out her phone and look it up. It took him so many times of them arguing about something pop culture related until he learned that Amy was always right. Well, he won a few of the bickering battles when she fact checked, so really she was only right 98% of the time.

And whenever she would show him the proof she got that smug in-your-face know-it-all teacher's pet look at proving him wrong once again.

Though making him slack jawed wasn't exactly winning an argument against him, so it was a little different. He had memorized all her smiles by now. All the intricacies that are just subtle differences, subtle shifts that change with the reason she was smiling. She didn't use the same smile when she got good grades and when she was given a genuine compliment she wasn't expecting. Depending on the cause, her happy smiles all differed from each other.

Just like the smile she had on after taking his breath away was different from any one of hers he'd seen before. Smug and self-satisfied, almost gloating, cause she did that to him. And, yeah, she deserved to be smug. The speechlessness, definitely flushed cheeks (he could feel his face burning), slack jawed look of wonder- that was all her. And she knew it.

“Oh c'mon, how are you so good at this? It's not even fair. You're not supposed to be this good at this, Ames,” he whined, even though he really shouldn't be complaining cause he loved how good she was at this.

“What? What are you talking about? What am I good at?” She asked and actually looked around like the answer was behind her or to the side.

“Please tell me you took a class or something on making out like that handshaking seminar you went to. Cause otherwise it's so not right how good you are at this. It's unfair to the rest of the human race. Do you actually make out with tons of people all the time and I just never knew that about you? Is this all from experience? That actually makes sense. No one's supposed to be this good at this this soon. Not without tons of practice. You're not supposed to be this close to killing me on the first night. It's not fucking fair how good you are at this.”

“I read a lot of books,” Amy shrugged.

“You've gotta be kidding me,” Jake said, even though he knew she wasn't.

“It's not exactly hard. More intuitive than anything. Or maybe instinct is a better word, cause I am so not thinking right now, y'know? Doesn't take any thought. Just doing what feels... right. It's not rocket science. The human race would've died out a long time ago if it was anything less than intuitive to turn someone on.”

“I'm not even sure if _you're_ human,” he said shrewdly, lifting two long locks of her hair above her head with pinched fingers. She wasn't sure what he was going for with that. Antennas? Still, she wasn't an alien robot.

“Hey,” Amy glared, frowning as she pulled her hair back down and tucked it behind her ears so he would stop messing with them.

Of course he wasn't serious, but being called nonhuman was more than a little insulting. The thing that actually bothered her was him pulling her hair up because it gave her flashbacks to her brothers yanking on her pig tails in grade school.

“I mean, I would've believed that you were a normal 16 year old girl with no suspicions if tonight didn't happen. Until I screwed everything up with you and tutoring, you totally passed by me as human. Jesus, Amy. You called my mom. Facilitated through the counselor. How in the world did you even think of that? I never would've thought of that in a million years if we were swapped. God, that's such a mature and responsible and logical solution that it doesn't make sense unless you're a time traveling immortal and you're really 600 years old and trying to pass among us unnoticed. And the biologically finding things hot explanation might fly in caveman times, but modern humans have way too much awkwardness interjected to just go all out and kiss someone first thing with everything they have. Are you actually an immortal from caveman times? That theory totally lines up. I believe dating a caveman immortal thousands of years older than me makes you a cougar. Or a saber tooth tiger, which you might be more familiar with,” Jake quipped all light hearted and she knew he was just kidding, but it brought to her attention that this was just another thing she wasn't normal at.

She couldn't even kiss a guy like a normal girl. Her whole life she'd always been weird in almost every area. Weird compared to everyone else. Everyone else who was normal. It wasn't just the above average intelligence that slapped her with the label 'nerd'. It wasn't just that other kids thought she weird when she set up fake crime scenes with chalk and playground equipment during recess (she got up at 5 o clock in the morning every Wednesday to see the new episode on dateline). It wasn't just how bad she was at talking to people.

It was all of that, and more. She was just strange. She had more or less come to the fact that she'd never fit in and accepted herself after all this time.

But this was something that she really thought she had the chance to be normal at. Like a normal person. This was the one area that she'd give anything to be normal in.

Jake was normal. She wanted to be normal with him. She wondered if he realized it yet.

Of course he knew her pretty well and knew exactly how weird she was, but she wondered if he put it together yet and realized that dating was something he wanted his girlfriend to be normal at. She wondered how long it would take him to realize that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was normal in that area. Someone who was good at it. Realize that he wanted a normal girlfriend. Weird friend was okay, but maybe he thought she'd be more normal once they started dating. They were just starting out, so he didn't know yet that she'd definitely be a weirder girlfriend than she was a weird friend. How long until he realized that he wasn't happy and wanted someone more normal?

She didn't even realize she had started pawing through her hair as a nervous tick during her inner self conscious spiral.

When Amy pulled away he instantly regretted the joke. His face fell and his stomach bottomed out but it wasn't at all pleasant like the earlier times tonight his stomach dropped cause of her.

She tried to sit up straight but he moved his hand to her upper back in a complete reflex to keep her close to him, her eyes widened in a mild surprise at his reaction and her face softened when he began to stroke her cheek, eyelashes fluttering against the back of his hand.

“Hey,” he whispered, voice just as soft as his touch. “I'm sorry. Just trying to make you laugh. Last joke didn't pan with the target audience, huh?”

Amy does genuinely smile at  _that_ joke.

“Am I really that weird though? In this area? I know I'm really weird in a lot of areas, but I didn't realize this was one of them. The kissing-relationship area. Girlfriend area. What's normal then? What's normal to you? Cause I don't want to make you feel weird and uncomfortable just cause I'm a weird person in just about every area. Is this one of those areas too?” Her brows knit together, bracing herself for his answer.

“Oh yeah, definitely. You're definitely weird in this area,” Jake agreed unceremoniously.

And Amy laughed. She tried not to, but she couldn't help bursting out into all but giggles.

“Jake, you're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to say I'm not _that_ weird, even if it's a total lie.”

“You didn't let me finish. You are totally weird in this area. Completely weird. But in a good way. In the best way. Not normal at all, cause you're _so_ not average,” Jake followed the sweep of her hair behind her ears with his fingers, thumb still smoothing circles into her cheek and Amy rested against his touch. She was so warm. Soft hair, soft skin, soft smile- only for him. Knowing himself, he wouldn't have guessed that he'd be so ready for the soft and intimate touches. Not the making out stuff, but cupping her cheek, the careful caresses. The intimate yet innocent touches that were way more meaningful than making out. After so long of pulling away anytime her hand brushed his because he was scared, he never would have guessed that he'd be so ready for this on the first night. But he wasn't scared anymore. More than anything, holding Amy felt right. Natural.

So he didn't fight the urge to reach out to her.

Didn't try to hide how satisfied he was just sitting there with her and telling her all the things he'd always been too afraid to say.

“You're not average, Amy. If I'm putting this in terms you'll understand it's like a bell curve. You're the farthest to the right when most everyone else is at the top in the middle. You're the one 99 that ruins the curve for the rest of us normals. You know what? I'm not even in the normal group. I'm on the bad side of the bell curve. Whole lot worse that average. You're weird about this in a good way, I'm weird about it in a bad way. I'm like the farthest to the left. I really needed that curved grade to pass but I'm failing cause of your high score. Neither of us are at the top of the bell curve. You're at the bottom on the good side, I'm at the bottom on the bad side. Neither of us are at the top of the bell curve. But that doesn't matter. Doesn't matter how we compare to the rest of the class. Cause me and you together, averaging out your high score and my low score, we get a normal relationship score. Both weird. But your weirdness is a really good weird. No one like you. No one as good as you. You're honestly the weirdest person I've ever met. The best person I've ever met too.”

Jake had a feeling he should stop there. He either talked too much or, on rare occasions, he talked too little. But he never talked the right amount. Never knew when to stop, and even when he did realize he should probably shut up he was never able to stop talking. It was just another one of his stupid nervous habits. He knew he should stop talking so he wouldn't ruin what he just said. But he couldn't. Just words spilling from his mouth, because he needed her to understand. He never was good at expressing his thoughts in a clear and concise manner, but he'd give anything if he could make Amy understand just how amazing she was. How important Amy Santiago was. So he kept rambling, even though he was sure he should shut up because he never was good at getting his ideas through his mouth.

“And you know, sometimes people try to convince you that being unique in some ways is a huge plus instead of being normal and boring, but you know they're just trying to make you feel better, and even if being different isn't worse you know that it being better is just a white lie. I'm not trying to make you feel better, Amy. Telling it like it is. In this area, the fixing things and kissing things area, you're way too good at it to be normal. Relationship wise. Everything wise. But it's not a good thing that you're weird here, you being so good at it is what makes you weird. I'm not trying to convince you after the fact that it's a plus, like you're weird and I'm trying to make you feel better like being unique and interesting is a positive side effect of being weird so you'll feel better about yourself. You're so frickin' good at this that being weird is just a neutral side effect of it. You're good. The goodness is weird. Not the weirdness is good. Does that make any sense?” Jake finished his ramble with pinch of desperation and a more than slight dash of worry thrown into the mix. Worried that he couldn't make it clear enough what he wanted her to know. What he needed her to know.

“Damn, I should have just stopped at the bell curve. Then I might have managed to not sound like a total idiot for the first time in my life. Just ignore that last part. I was trying to say something nice, but I don't know how to make it make sense outside of my head. Just forget about it.”

“No, it makes sense,” she reassured him. “I get it. All of it. Thank you. Thank you for saying all of it.”

Another thing Amy was way too good at was swirling up a butterfly storm in his stomach just by smiling at him.

“Though I have to ask: what kind of 16 year old boy uses the bell curve when giving compliments? I mean, you may have passed for a normal teenager who fails half his classes and only scrapes by in the rest before, but not after that comment. Totally suspicious. You messed up with the whole normal human persona by letting that slip through,” she grinned with her oh-so-clever call back at his own joke.

“What can I say? I know my target audience.”

Amy rolled her eyes and laughed, giving his shoulder a light push. And her laughter settled into a smile that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Looking at her then, looking at the smile on her face, Jake had the thought that he was way too invested in keeping it there.

And... he was okay with that. He didn't mind.

“Plus,” he added, “the bell curve is the reason I'm scraping by in the classes I actually pass. That's the one thing I have to understand if I wanna make it through high school with all my bad grades. I rely on the bell curve, Ames. Bell curve comes through for me. Most of the time. If I'm ever just one or two points away from passing I can count on it not working, cause every single time I'm teetering on the edge some nerd like you scores too high and ruins my system.”

Amy smiled even wider then, even brighter, and he realized that yup, he'd do pretty much anything to keep it there. And that fact didn't bother him at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's almost been a year since I last updated this fic. I know, I hate myself too.  
> :)  
> All jokes aside, thanks for the patience, sorry I made the wait for chapter 8 this long.  
> Have a lovely day.


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